Pokemon: the retardation series
by JRutherford
Summary: A bunch of little stories Ash and friends discover about the real world
1. Love

I don't own anything and yeah.

Hello there readers of the fanfiction world. I got bored and started thinking about all the stupidity with some of the fanfictions of Pokémon and Pokémon in general, so I was like ok how bout I write something like this and see how it goes. So let's see how it goes.

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Love

Ash had never seen anything so beautiful in his life. The fluffiness and yellowness. His Pokémon, his beloved Pikachu, was so beautiful. He petted the Pikachu ever so softly, and Pikachu purred back in response to the touch. "Oh Pikachu," Ash cooed, "You're so beautiful. Even tough you did act like a total bitch at first and zapped me which surprisingly didn't kill me, since like, a thousand volts went through my body. Not to mention that you're a freakin Pokémon, basically a fucking animal, and like, half of the fangirls are wetting themselves for me, but still I love you! Plus, you have the signs of being a male Pikachu, but it's ok because people call me gay anyway!"

At that moment, Ash somehow got chased into a river, and got caught by a hook. The girl fishing suddenly became superhuman and pulled him out of the water. Ash saw her and looked into her cerulean blue eyes. He threw his Pikachu aside and walked over o her, where she slapped him for throwing his Pikachu like garbage and forgetting the love that they shared.

"Bitch! How dare you slap me!?" Ash yelled, "I have the strangest feeling that you're going to be a bitch to me all the time, but I'm still going to fall in love with you and there's nothing you can do about it! You aren't the writer!"

"Ok!" Misty chimed in. "And I'm going to follow you just because you killed my bike. By the way Ash…" Misty trailed off.

"Wait, how do you know my name?"

"I don' know, ask the writers. You apparently know my name too, so stop being an ass and let's start this dumbass journey!"

"Alright! To use these Pokémon to become the bestest trainer ever!"

Misty stopped. "Now what?"

Ash thought for a moment. "Wanna do it for no apparent reason whatsoever?"

"Fuck yeah!"

Ash had gotten all eight badges, by very stupid gym leaders who decided to have one type of Pokémon. He turned his gaze to Misty and sighed. "Misty," he said, "We've been through a lot, and I know we were supposed to meet Brock, but he's a cock-blocker so fuck him, so let's have this romantic moment, because I'm leaving to a new region and you can't come."

"Oh, Ash, I'll miss you so much!" Misty said. She pulled out a hanker chief out of her pocket and handed it to him.

"The fuck is this? What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?" Ash yelled, holding the hanker chief between his fingers. He looked pretty grossed out. He was, after all, hoping to get something more romantic, like a Pokémon or something.

Misty stared at him endearingly.\

Ash cleared his throat. He grabbed Misty's hand and stood on his knee. "Misty, I would ask you to marry me, but this isn't a cheesy fanfic where a ten year old gets married, so go get on your bike and ride the fuck over there."

"Ok, bye!" Misty said as she ran to her bike.

Ash got on a boat without paying any money, because he had none, but still happened to make it to the new region.

Ash had gotten his Pikachu back, and it happened to toast up another innocent girl's bike. Ash went to go apologize to the girl, who seemed fatter and had larger breasts than Misty, though Misty was about two years older than this tramp in the red bandanna.

"You burnt my bike!" The chick screamed.

"Yeah, that happens. Wanna do it?" Ash asked.

May turned to him. "Fuck yeah! I just met you and everything, but I already love you forever, even if I leave this show!"

"On the floor."

"Yes sir!"

Ash had gotten yet another set of badges, and decided to leave everyone, including all his Pokémon except his beloved Pikachu, and leave to yet another region. This time, he "dropped" Pikachu, and for some strange reason, Pikachu burnt Dawn's bike.

Ash ran over to Dawn.

"Your dumbass Pikachu burnt my bike!" Dawn screamed.

"Yeah it kills everyone's bike. That's how I pick up chicks. Now, on the floor bitch."

"Yes sir!"

As Ash thrusted, Gary came by and silently watched the action. 'This shit rocks…' he thought. He somehow magically pulled some popcorn from behind his back and began to eat it. He went unnoticed, since Ash and Dawn were in their own little sex world, despite that they were only ten.

"Ash," Gary interrupted.

Ash looked up. "Yes, my gay lover?"

Gary pulled a face. "Ash, I don't know what those silly fanfiction writers have told you, but you're not allowed to have sex when you're only ten. Plus, I don't care what the fans say, I am no your lover, nor will I ever be, I mean, did you see my car? It was filled with chicks! Cheerleading chicks! I wonder whatever happened to them…hmm. Anyway, so yeah and every time someone new enters the story scene, you don't have to fall in love with them. Seriously."

Ash stared at the naked ten year old body in front of him. "Yeah but with all the sex, it's just worth it…"

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Ok… yeah. The point of this is that every time a new girl enters the storyline, people go crazy, thinking Ash is in love with them and he falls in love with like, anything. Like Ash and Pikachu. What the heck? Pokémon are basically animals! Ash is in love with a freaking animal!? What the fuck? In most societies, animal and human breeding is looked down upon, so why is it ok in fan world? Listen to this, children, because your brain may melt, but at least you'll know better…


	2. Age

I don't own anything.

Hi! As you can probably tell, I have become very bored these last few days, and given myself time to think about many stupid things in Pokémon. I do no think that fans of Pokémon are stupid; I jus think that they shouldn't do certain things. So here's another thing that's weird that I would like to pick at.

Enjoy.

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Age

Ash walked beside his two friends, Dawn and Brock. He smiled happily at them, thinking about the fun adventures they were going to have, just the three of them. It didn't occur to them that this journey they were having was basically illegal. They are ten years old, and there they are, traveling in the middle of the forest, where a rapist could appear out of nowhere and attack them, but since it is a children's show, I guess that won't happen. Brock may be a bit older, but he's still underage, and is not able to travel with them, so it's basically like running away from home, except that the parents don't give a damn about what happens to their child.

"Hey Ash!"

The trio turned around and saw a red head and a brown haired girl running towards them. They watched as Misty and May ran towards hem, in a futile attempt to reach the sexy brightness of Ash.

"Hello guys!" Ash cried, waving his arm really high over his head.

Misty and May stopped in front of Ash. The bent over and panted heavily, right in front of Ash, basically in front of his crotch, seeing as they don't care much, because they're breathing and bending, and as long as they can breathe, they really don't give a damn about anything else.

"Hi guys!" Ash said with a smile.

Misty stared at Ash. "Ash!" she cried, "You're voice has changed! It's deeper! How can it be deeper if you never age? I mean, I'm sill like, what, twelve? This how has been running since like, nine years ago, so why do we still stay the same age? Shouldn't you be like nineteen already? And I should be like, twenty one or something! I can drink! See you later!" Misty finished her rant and ran away.

They watched as Misty ran away. Ash tilted his head. "Huh? Drink? Drink what? We have water and cheap imitation cola that actually has no name because the writers are too lazy to write the name. So why did she run away?"

May, Dawn and Brock sighed. "Ok," Brock said, "Either Misty's right or you are mentally retarded. I mean- AUGH!" All of a sudden, a ball that was red and white, except on rare occasions where the ball turns different colors smacked Brock right in the face. "What the hell was that?" Brock turned to see Dawn giggling and Ash smiling really big.

"Yay Brock! Return, return!" Ash yelled with glee.

"What?"

"Ash, I know you're supposed to be ten and all, but I'm ten and I think about way more stuff than just Pokémon. You must be like, younger than ten, or retarded," Dawn finally chimed in.

Ash scowled. "Yeah, well I'm not the one wearing the skimpy dress, am I? I mean you are only ten, you haven't even been on this show for a year yet, but here you are wearing skimpy clothing like that! And you!" Ash pointed to May. "You have gigantic boobs and you're supposed to be ten too! What the hell? Why are we even traveling? We're so young!"

May smiled. "Oh, Ash! You're so cute when you're angry!" she squealed. Her squealing stopped when a gloved hand smacked her face. She pouted and rubbed her cheek where Ash had smacked her. "Ash, how can you hit your own soul mate? We belong together! This is marital abuse!"

"Will you shut up about marriage crap? We are ten years old! How are we supposed to get married!? We aren't even legal to get married! Not even in Vegas! How can you think about soul mates when we're ten? TEN! It's like, how can the fanfic writers make us do stuff like that when we're ten. That's sick!"

At that moment, Dawn pulled a computer out of nowhere. She typed in fanfics about Pokémon. "What the hell? There's a fanfic about me and Paul…and we're doing it!? What!?"

Ash smacked himself. "Argh! You know what else is stupid?? They make me so stupid! I know I'm only ten, but even ten year olds can be romantic, too. Hell yeah, we can be smart! Ever heard of smart nerds! Why can't I be an awesome nerd? Why? Just because I'm young, I have to be stupid?!"

"Ash! Shut up! You're going to piss off the fans!" Brock said, trying to hush up Ash. Ash pushed his hands away, but Brock put his brown hands on Ash's mouth. Ash bit his hands. Brock recoiled his hands and would've smacked Ash, if it had not been the fact that Brock had gotten his ass handed to him by Ash before with that gym battle.

"Just get back to the damn show!" the announcer yelled.

Ash frowned and crossed his arms. "Fine, I'll do it…but I won't like it."

So Ash continued along with his friends, but everything had become weird and awkward. Ash's sudden outburst had left Ash with anger, and Dawn was afraid and in shock, while Brock was silently cursing at Ash for the bite wound that was left. And May? Well, like Brock in most fanfics, she disappeared into fat air.

Ash stood in front of a gym, ready to battle the retard that was waiting inside, who only had one type of Pokémon, but for some reason, Ash would send out a Pokémon that's weak against that one type of Pokémon, which would lead him to humiliating defeat, but would by some miracle, beat them at the last minute.

Ash reached open to open the door, but stopped when he heard a loud voice, because he wants to know what it was, instead of just getting the dumbass battle over with.

"Ash Ketchum! We have you under arrest!"

Ash's mouth dropped open. "What the hell? The FBI?"

The cops surrounded Ash, Dawn and Brock, and securely tied them with rope. Ash struggled to get out of the ropes and for some strange reason his shirt tore off and looked sexy with al his cuts and sweatiness. How charming right?

"What am I under arrest for?" Ash screamed.

The cops looked at him and harshly said, "Because you're under age. What the hell are you doing so far away from home when you're only ten?! You're coming to jail because you're technically running away from home."

"Damn it!"

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This is another problem with Pokémon. The kids are underage. They're basically running away from home, but they're parents don't give a damn anyway. And this is what happens when you travel and you're only ten years old. You get arrested. Don't run away unless you want to get arrested ok?


End file.
